The Machine - Bert Kreischer: THE MACHINE

  Үзсэн тоо 37,699,617

Bert Kreischer

4 жилийн өмнө

This is the story about the time I robbed a train in Russia with the Russian Mafia.
To get my book "Life of the Party" click HERE:
For all TOUR DATE & MERCH click HERE:
To Follow me on..
Twitter: bertkreischer
Facebook: BertKreischer
Instagram: bertkreischer?hl=en

Andi Honey
Andi Honey 10 цагийн өмнө
I just wanna say if you thumbs down this video you were probably robbed by the machine and were called a bitch and ditched
You have no idea how much I needed that fuckin laugh !!!!! It has been one of those yrs !!!! FUNNY SHIT !!!! THANK YOU !!!! 🇺🇲
Jacob Bachek
Jacob Bachek 19 цагийн өмнө
I love how he laughs at his own jokes
IckeSaNicke 22 цагийн өмнө
My 6th time watching this
AMAN Kumar
AMAN Kumar Өдрийн өмнө
My favourite - f*ck that b*tch this is Russia
This gotta be the most epic funniest story ive ever heard in my life lmaooo
Jacob Maria
Jacob Maria Өдрийн өмнө
what a flatout lie
Haitian Blue
Haitian Blue Өдрийн өмнө
A great comedy act. Lesson learned, don’t mess with Russians 😂😂😂
Stacy Jemms
Stacy Jemms Өдрийн өмнө
The only legit fake ID site I can ever recommend is I tried different vendors in the past but never received my Id.After reading a couple of MNdown reviews I ordered from them and received my ID 3 days later
Hudson Fryer
Hudson Fryer Өдрийн өмнө
Is this fake or is this guy awesome
reefer Carbondale
reefer Carbondale Өдрийн өмнө
It's bull shit lmao
Blueface Kidd
Blueface Kidd 2 өдрийн өмнө
"Fuck you we fuck you in the mouth We fuck you in the ass" I was dying with laughter
Elmers World
Elmers World 2 өдрийн өмнө
I fucking love Russia 🇷🇺
علی عظیمی
علی عظیمی 2 өдрийн өмнө
Doesn't matter how many views this video gets, it's not enough.
Jon Joyk
Jon Joyk 3 өдрийн өмнө
This guy is so stupid
MrSpeedyAce 3 өдрийн өмнө
After hearing Bert mention this story a million times on 2B1C, I finally decided to watch this. Should be an interesting movie hahahaha
Jimmy Fish
Jimmy Fish 3 өдрийн өмнө
Check on 'psytime pharmaceuticals' and I believe you'll keep thanking me .... Safe trip in advance... Jah..'!
Ouzounicus d3
Ouzounicus d3 3 өдрийн өмнө
So if I wanna learn another language I should join a mafia?
Brian Heaton
Brian Heaton 3 өдрийн өмнө
Never gets old.
isaac Garcia
isaac Garcia 3 өдрийн өмнө
10:00 robing trains lol
isaac Garcia
isaac Garcia 3 өдрийн өмнө
A real friend, no one talks to the machine like that.
josh knapton
josh knapton 3 өдрийн өмнө
I'm gay
Oliver Bard
Oliver Bard 3 өдрийн өмнө
Oliver queen be like
Kremo 4 өдрийн өмнө
Seth Rogen needs to play this guy in a movie
Krazy Polak
Krazy Polak 4 өдрийн өмнө
F dude is garbage. I can’t believe he has 34 mil views lame ass
Борче Миноски
Борче Миноски 4 өдрийн өмнө
Is he promoting manboobs?
C C S G 4 өдрийн өмнө
My stepdad made me watch this......tbh not that funny.
Leica Love
Leica Love 4 өдрийн өмнө
Nice hair!
Soy Cabron
Soy Cabron 5 өдрийн өмнө
Pearse Buckley
Pearse Buckley 5 өдрийн өмнө
I don’t think this is that funny tbh.. especially his Netflix show, it was cringe
Ralf Mccarty
Ralf Mccarty 5 өдрийн өмнө
This always brings me back, can't make this shit up
Jarrell Neriah SHaMaH
Jarrell Neriah SHaMaH 5 өдрийн өмнө
u gotta love men! Lol
Mr Fortnite
Mr Fortnite 5 өдрийн өмнө
And I can’t believe that they’re making this into a movie!
Patsy P
Patsy P 5 өдрийн өмнө
this guy sucks
Er Sorpe
Er Sorpe 5 өдрийн өмнө
Where was he with his class that they had to get a train overnight to Moscow?
MrKevinonTube 6 өдрийн өмнө
Took me a while to realise he is topless
Random Dude
Random Dude 6 өдрийн өмнө
Ngl just checked ignor, He looked more student than him.
Melted friend882
Melted friend882 6 өдрийн өмнө
Why do i wish that happens to me
Melted friend882
Melted friend882 6 өдрийн өмнө
Im 16 btw
Logan is back at it again at krispy kreme
Logan is back at it again at krispy kreme 6 өдрийн өмнө
The back story of THE MACHINE
Ryan Lesner
Ryan Lesner 6 өдрийн өмнө
Marcus 6 өдрийн өмнө
12:10 his voice kinda sounds like kermit the frog there
Aeyonaxx 6 өдрийн өмнө
Love the fact that he's also who van wilder is based on
1gramblam 6 өдрийн өмнө
Bro im fn dyyyyinnnn 🤣🤣🤣
1gramblam 6 өдрийн өмнө
This guy is fudgin funny!
J V 6 өдрийн өмнө
And now he has a movie with mark hamil with this story!
The BOI Cre
The BOI Cre 6 өдрийн өмнө
VENEM YEET 6 өдрийн өмнө
Wtf no t shert
King pres 101
King pres 101 6 өдрийн өмнө
I’m the machine
Sagapam Keshav
Sagapam Keshav 7 өдрийн өмнө
I wonder if your Russian teacher's name was Daria , if she was then she describes you perfectly here at 3:24
Matthew 7 өдрийн өмнө
Greatest story ever I laughed so hard
Saffet Alp
Saffet Alp 7 өдрийн өмнө
Брат, что ты реально машина)) Brother, you really are a machine. :)
Mistery Taco
Mistery Taco 7 өдрийн өмнө
Бандити are bandits or criminals
listenmullahsb 7 өдрийн өмнө
The original narration of the story is on another level:
Alek Sander
Alek Sander 7 өдрийн өмнө
This guy is a fucking sociopath
Jack Tereno
Jack Tereno 8 өдрийн өмнө
what happened to his shirt?
Lammper 8 өдрийн өмнө
as soon as he said FUCK THIS, THIS IS RUSSIA i subed
Gabriel Fernandes
Gabriel Fernandes 8 өдрийн өмнө
They need to make a movie about that sht
Bob Moor
Bob Moor 8 өдрийн өмнө
good funny standup ...but why's hairy bear shirtless ?
IM_DJ 8 өдрийн өмнө
This man's is literally a living legend
Chris Buehler
Chris Buehler 8 өдрийн өмнө
Damn Bart actually had hair back then as opposed to the scraps he's holding onto now
Milo Slye
Milo Slye 8 өдрийн өмнө
I just came here after Amy Schumer’s 2019 New York stand up. This is a fucking relief. Comedy is not dead. I thought it was.
h x n e y b e a • 10 years ago
h x n e y b e a • 10 years ago 8 өдрийн өмнө
GD - 07OS 761313 Robert H Lagerquist Sr PS
GD - 07OS 761313 Robert H Lagerquist Sr PS 8 өдрийн өмнө
how the fuck do people dislike this????????????????????????????
Chris 8 өдрийн өмнө
I always love the fact that if you enjoy the movie Van Wilder remember the fact that that movie is his college experience Now picture him in that movie and the movie is a million times better
Jamal Coley
Jamal Coley 9 өдрийн өмнө
Fuck that bitch this is Russia🇷🇺
Axel Foley
Axel Foley 9 өдрийн өмнө
This dude is terrible.
Rpmbiker 9 өдрийн өмнө
Fuck you this is RUSSIA
Boom Box
Boom Box 9 өдрийн өмнө
“He walks up to him grabs him by the arm, spins him around and says, ‘Fuck you. We *F A C K* you in the mouth. We *F A C K* You in the ass.” Best sentences ever.
Aiden Frame
Aiden Frame 9 өдрийн өмнө
MountainDew S H O G U N
MountainDew S H O G U N 9 өдрийн өмнө
When he said “fu#ck that bich this is russia” MADE ME LAUGH 😂
sandbergius 9 өдрийн өмнө
Kreischer is german for screecher
Hewwo There
Hewwo There 10 өдрийн өмнө
Vinnie G
Vinnie G 10 өдрийн өмнө
what the hell kind of school did this guy went too holy sht
Iain MacLennan
Iain MacLennan 10 өдрийн өмнө
This is awesome 😅
Psilo Cybin
Psilo Cybin 10 өдрийн өмнө
His so not funny.... CoMeDiAn
LaCane 10 өдрийн өмнө
My russian friend's cursive was carried over into english and now both languages are illegible
Jehdhhe Bxbbsbd
Jehdhhe Bxbbsbd 10 өдрийн өмнө
God and Jesus are great read the bible Jesus is coming back soon turn your life to God before it’s to
christopher knowles
christopher knowles 10 өдрийн өмнө
this is gay.
Aubrey T. Copeland
Aubrey T. Copeland 10 өдрийн өмнө
Okay. But please, put a shirt on or something.
Etel Popham
Etel Popham 10 өдрийн өмнө
This is my fav story ever. And yeah thats what it was like. Fuck that bitch this is russia lol
Dvd Jmz
Dvd Jmz 10 өдрийн өмнө
Fuck that B* ths is Russia
SeanvPlanet 10 өдрийн өмнө
This story is more fake + gay than Bert himself
The6kid Harris
The6kid Harris 10 өдрийн өмнө
How did i just find this 🤣🤣🤣
Sesha Dheeraj
Sesha Dheeraj 11 өдрийн өмнө
Now im feeling like joining the russian mafia
scott chegg
scott chegg 11 өдрийн өмнө
He's the machine!!!
Becca Taylor
Becca Taylor 11 өдрийн өмнө 🤩🆂🅴🆇 🅿️🆁🅸🆅🅰️🆃🅴🤩🅽🆄🅳🅴 🤩👌 😍 今後は気をライブ配信の再編ありがとうです!この日のライブ配信は、かならりやばかったですね!1万人を超える人が見ていたもん(笑)やっぱり人参最高!まさかのカメラ切り忘れでやら1かしたのもドキドキでした {-String.Spintax- | - {林檎|アプリコット|バナナ|キウイ|レモン|オレンジ|パイナップル} -} ! 在整個人類歷史上,強者,富人和具有狡猾特質的人捕食部落,氏族,城鎮,城市和鄉村中的弱者,無`'守和貧窮成%員。然而,人類的生存意願迫使那些被拒絕,被剝奪或摧毀的基本需求的人們找到了一種生活方式,並繼續將其DNA融入不斷發展的人類社會。! 說到食物,不要以為那些被拒絕的人只吃垃圾。相反,他們學會了在被忽視的肉類和蔬菜中尋找營養。他們學會了清潔,切塊,調味和慢燉慢燉的野菜和肉類,在食品市場上被忽略的部分家用蔬菜和肉類,並且學會了使用芳香的木煙 山核桃和豆科灌木
Max Le Floofy Boi
Max Le Floofy Boi 11 өдрийн өмнө
I wanna go to Russia now- And rob a train while I have the name “The Living Fear”-
EastCoastMafia 11 өдрийн өмнө
“No, fuck that bitch this is Russia 🇷🇺 “ 😅🔥
Soren Klarqvist
Soren Klarqvist 11 өдрийн өмнө
6:53 why would there be Stars and Stripes on a conductors uniform in Russia?
Commodore X
Commodore X 8 өдрийн өмнө
Because that's part of the actual uniform at the time, it's not like America OWNS Stars and Stripes, no matter how much those brainless twats think they do.
a slowpoke
a slowpoke 11 өдрийн өмнө
I gotta master how to say "I am the machine" in Russian now
Venom Stick
Venom Stick 11 өдрийн өмнө
I also fuck cats
Sambuddha Mukherjee
Sambuddha Mukherjee 11 өдрийн өмнө
This man has the confidence of a legend He is doing comedy without his shirt 😂😂
Ivana Pesic
Ivana Pesic 12 өдрийн өмнө
And Bert is now in Serbia filming The Machine movie.
Logand 13 өдрийн өмнө
Я ничего не понял, но понял что говорится про русскую мафию, надеюсь тут не русофобия.
ArbeitMachtFrei 13 өдрийн өмнө
Man, you should learn from real clowns. Because you're not funny.
God bless the YouTube commenters
God bless the YouTube commenters 13 өдрийн өмнө
Damn college is crooked
Jack Rous
Jack Rous 13 өдрийн өмнө
There language
Jack Rous
Jack Rous 13 өдрийн өмнө
Haha as a Canadian I still love Russia I love there music there hard bass I love Slav squatting
Brian Allen
Brian Allen 13 өдрийн өмнө
I have seen and heard this story many times. It is always hilarious 😂😂😂. 🤘🤘
Noah Jensen
Noah Jensen 13 өдрийн өмнө
Hunter Ostler
Hunter Ostler 13 өдрийн өмнө
Random fat dude in Russian: I’m the machine Russian mafia member: the fuck you say Random fat dude in Russian: fuck it I’m the machine Russian:fuck it he’s the machine Also Russian: takes fat guy to more Russians Other Russians: fuck it he’s the machine and he fucks cats
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